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You hear and read a lot about ways to improve your relationship. But if you’ve tried these without much success, you’re not alone. Many highly reactive couples—pairs that are quick to argue, anger, and blame—need more than just the run-of-the-mill relationship advice to solve their problems in love. When destructive emotions are at the heart of problems in your relationship, no amount of effective communication or intimacy building will fix what ails it. If you’re part of a “high-conflict” couple, you need to get control of your emotions first, to stop making things worse, and only then work on building a better relationship.
The High-Conflict Couple adapts the powerful techniques of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) into skills you can use to tame out-of-control emotions that flare up in your relationship. Using mindfulness and distress tolerance techniques, you’ll learn how to deescalate angry situations before they have a chance to explode into destructive fights. Other approaches will help you disclose your fears, longings, and other vulnerabilities to your partner and validate his or her experiences in return. You’ll discover ways to manage problems with negotiation, not conflict, and to find true acceptance and closeness with the person you love the most.
This book has been awarded The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies Self-Help Seal of Merit — an award bestowed on outstanding self-help books that are consistent with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles and that incorporate scientifically tested strategies for overcoming mental health difficulties. Used alone or in conjunction with therapy, our books offer powerful tools readers can use to jump-start changes in their lives.
David talks about ''acting like an adult'' vs. ''acting like a child'' and how when you get in the habit of being mindfull you become more wise and at peace with yourself and others.
Its a 10 out of 10 for me.
The section on conflict and anger alone is worth the price of the book. We simply are not taught how to manage conflict in relationships, and this book has solid suggestions for how to navigate the rough parts.
I wish I'd discovered this on the day it was published. It would have given me a lot more wisdom at times when I most needed it. Not just in romantic relationships - but with friends and family and coworkers and employers as well.
A must-have guide to being around the other humans. And to becoming your best self.
This book has changed how I view my friends and romantic partner completely. I can better love them without owning their reaction to my love. I understand love/attachment. I understand how someone might want to reject my love, and that it has nothing to do with me. This book was a follow up to 5 years of therapy, and I think that if you read it and aren't already on some sort of healing journey it might be offensive, or confusing for you.
Unfortunately my girlfriend when given the book has only used it to keep the cat out of her drink.
Be aware, in my opinion, this is a hard high-level book to understand. Being Ph.D. and completing most of known books on relationships, this book was not as easy to master as Gary Chapman's excellent books. It is like Quantum Mechanics of Relationship Psychology. I believe that there are 3 prerequisites.
1. Be willing to change your own behavior. This is 90% of work. You can later teach your partner concepts of this book using Accurate Expressions.
2. Understand the process of Mindfulness and use it routinely with your thoughts, spoken words and actions.
3. Master Marsha Linehan's DBT training manual book because this book is based on using DBT skills.
I got great help from my therapist who was trained in DBT. It is worth time and money to get help from professionals or friends so that you can better understand how to use methods described in this book.
Update: halfway through book, omg omg omg it's so good. It's truly a must read. And no I didn't get paid to write this review.
4 stars.
Relationships are a continuing work, not an end point. I think the book makes a lot of sense, but the application of the ideas is an on going struggle.
We could have saved a lot of money had we gotten this book and not gone to therapy !
One of the remarkable things about this book is how it has helped me label what I have been experiencing and reframe my understanding in a way that forms a foundation for constructive thought and action, often for issues that are decades old. This is what I hope for in a book, and this book amply delivered. Not that I’m done with it: there is plenty here that I want to return to - the highlights will come in handy.
Next up: How to Be an Adult in Love, his 2014 follow-up to this book.
Sadly, it came a little too late to help my relationship. I honestly, sadly, had no clue that what I was doing in my relationship was pushing my boyfriend further and further away.
I grew up with crappy role models for romantic relationships and have been trying to teach myself for the past 3 years. This book is a god send and has really opened up my eyes on how I can be a better partner. No one ever told me that my SO's feelings and emotions are something I need to care for and honor beside my own heart.
I love the quote of "honoring the 3rd being" (you, them and the relationship youv'e created)
The instructor in my DBT class recommended it to us. Very good read. Helpful.
Husband and I read it together in situations because at times we are at an impasse when it comes to budging on certain issues. It has helped us solve quite a few problems we’ve had.
While it is normal to want to be close and attached to one's spouse, the person who has been abused in the past is conflicted in both wanting and fearing closeness. This is the source of the alternating clingy and angry behaviors. A person who really puts DBT into practice can make remarkable progress. For those of you married to people with BPD, recognize that, while they will always be somewhat emotional and dramatic, this can make life with them quite interesting. The point I want to stress is that DBT can help them greatly decrease their more distressing behaviors.
There is a lot of misinformation out there about BPD, and even some therapists who should know better see it as a stigma. The good thing about this book is that it never mentions borderline personality disorder except in the bibliography. So you can use it to work with your BPD spouse without labeling him or her as the "sick one."
So many people on the planet would benefit from reading this and inserting the suggestions in to their unions. If you long for more harmony in your "love affair", this is a great place to start.
Lots of wisdom within.
You will be glad you read it.
Kind of a relationship bible of sorts.
bought the hard copy as well. totally needed
It may lead to much more pleasant encounters with your partner.
It is highly concise. Having read a few other books around a few psychological issues, I think this book is extremely well put-together. It is therefore immediately practical.
It seems more tailored for people wanting to work at relationships. It is tailored for a romantic relationship, and is therefore more applicable to that than Linehan's Skills Training Manual or Kreisman's I Hate You (...).
It's more exact and centred around romantic partners than the popular Manning's Loving Someone (...).
It is very easy to use. I haven't got a psychology background, but I feel much effort has gone into making it simple. I found it extremely easy to use after one read.
If you have to pick one book, this is great. I may have got more out of this book having read a lot of the 'backstory' work around Linehan and peers, and for this reason I think it is safe to say if you are short on time, this book is great.
Drawback is, yes, it isn't a sort of 'DBT manual'. Some people complained about that in previous reviews. I think that is a good thing because there is a great deal of somewhat different techniques inside here that I used, and still use, to great success. I find it may even be a strength because some of the "direct" patient/practitioner techniques are quite inapplicable to a romantic partner. Or they require some sort of professional therapy to correctly apply to the person. E.g. "radical acceptance" from Linehan (Distress Tolerance) is outstanding work on its own, I feel. But if you try and apply that immediately onto yourself or romantic partner, well. Good luck! The other thing is, while we are supporters sometimes for our partners, it's not the same thing as a professional therapist facilitating DBT.
Be prepared to put in the effort. I feel I got a lot out of this because I applied as much as I could. The good news is that this book also contains some very, very key 'troubleshooting' methods to execute techniques properly. One that I use works extremely well.
I learned so much in this book and I have read it over 5 times to make sure that it all sinks in. I feel like every adult should read it.
This book weaves a lot of philosophical and spiritual elements, and I was blown away after reading it. It is a dense, thoughtful text, that requires a degree of insight and openness to be able to digest and absorb the messages. However, if you are willing to do the work, I think the payoff is extraordinary. It is a necessary investment in yourself - I wish more people would read this book. Now I am able to see that my partner's departure was the catalyst I needed in order to expose the needs I have inside me. I am absolutely confident that as a result of the insight and mindfulness that the author suggests, coupled with daily practice of self-awareness, and self-nurturance, I am moving towards meeting my soulmate and "adult love" in this life.
"I will prepare myself, and someday my chance will come".
in shaping a new life of happiness, romance, understanding, self-worth, trusting myself
like I never knew before in my adult life. It has been my guide through the toughest times of letting go
of an unhealthy relationship and doing so with no blame, but rather love and understanding. I am
getting to know who I am, where I want to go, and how to get there. It has been hard work reading, then
putting it to practice as the author outlines. However, the rewards have been miraculous. Thank you David Richo.
My relationship ended before I had a chance to read it. HA!
So get this book...and get it SOON!
I HIGHLY recommend this book to ALL couples, whether or not you believe that your relationship is full of conflict. If it isn't, it will help you both to learn the DBT Skills from the four modules (Core Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation, Interpersonal Effectiveness, & Distress Tolerance). By learning these skills, it will contribute to PREVENTING your relationship from becoming conflicting.
I love this woman more than ever and realized that if we
are to be happy together, I needed information and a way
to act on what I would be learning.
This is a great approach to understanding loving as an adult.
I'm still reading it, and continuing to grow.
I recommend this book for thinkers who desire the best
in life, with love ranking right at the top.
On the other hand, it has been immensely helpful in my own relationship, and helped me overcome my depression. It's helped me realize that most couples fight, and that we should forgive ourselves. It's also helped me give myself attention and gratitude, even when the SO doesn't. That's the focus on the book, not "how to make your relationship better," but "how to make yourself better, and oh-by-the-way, your relationships will probably get better as a result."
Read it, but as for most of the woo advice, take it or leave it.
Yet I give this book a four-star rating because, when Richo does get around to offering specific, practical advice, it is outstanding. Particularly helpful are the author's thoughts on how introverts and extroverts receive and express love differently. I am currently in what I would consider an extrovert-introvert relationship, and I plan to consult this table over and over as a reminder. Another high point is the author's discussion of fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. In fact, my attention heightened every time I encountered a table in the book, because putting information in a table forced the author to be succinct and boil things down to the key points - which I think he perceives more acutely than any author I've seen so far.
When I looked back at the reviews on this site after reading the book (as I did before purchasing the book), I wondered if I was crazy for not being happier with the book than I was. I suspect that for a reader who understands the word "mindful" as connotative of Zen "mindfulness" and is looking for a book that looks at relationships through this lens, this is exactly the book that he/she has been looking for. Personally, I came away from this book feeling like I had to wade through a lot in order to get to the part that was really helpful for me. But the part that was helpful was very good, and I'm not sure I would have gotten it from any other book.
I recommend this book for anyone who is inexperienced in love (or possessed of a lot of negative experiences and looking for help) and wants a thorough exploration of the various phases of a romantic relationship - and doesn't mind a fairly wordy writing style.
It doesn't matter if you are wanting to have a satisfying love partnership, be a loving and successful parent, collaborate in successful co creative partnerships in your work, or have an empowered relationship with God/Spirit/Life/Goddess - this book will give you concrete understanding of what is getting in the way and concrete practices to restart your _ WHO I AM and HOW AM I BEING - journey with effective tools. Richo's goal in all of his writing is integrating unrecognized and unowned shadow parts of yourself, getting to know all the parts/voices/beliefs that are sabotaging you, understanding and grieving for the holes that your not so perfect parents and early teachers and early relationships left you with - without stirring up blame and hatred but rather loving for them and for you. Instead we become friends with all of the repugnant, ugly, not working so good part of us and discover what their gifts are to us. Thus we come to understand that actually all we yearn for - is possible first and foremost by taking responsible to lovingly and kindly give it to ourselves.
David Richo is gifted in bringing together the wisdom of transpersonal and developmental psychology with the loving path of mindfulness, radical honesty and compassion practice and what it leads to is a healing of egocentric intimacy phobic relational practices and introverted codependent styles of relationing - both in the end strategies for healing the wounds within and getting the unconditional love, attention, acceptance, allowance, affection and appreciation we all need to be WHOLE and feel confident to share our gifts with the world and others. By learning to mirror ourselves and others and finally get that humans will sometimes be brilliant, loving, understanding, forgiving, giving and appreciative - they will also betray us, not come through, misunderstand and misattribute our intentions, be hurtful and mean. The practice is not making it personal to others or about ourselves - rather embrace our humanity and clean up the messes inside that get in the way of consistent empowering methods of relating, loving, getting needs met and understanding others needs and supporting each other in a commited way to the practices. His is a journey of soul centric living.
If you're ready to take responsibility to change your life and begin core routines and practices that empower, love, forgive, understand yourself and others in relationships - I strongly urge you to start with this book and then move onto When The Past is Present and then onto Daring to Trust - then Adulthood in Faith Relationship and then Shadow Dance and The Five Things We Cannot Change; all by Richo. For therapeutic practitioners, coaches, mentors, counselors, parents, teachers, activists these books are chock full of dyadic and group and solo exercises that really work.
I also strongly encourage co-readings/workshops by Pema Chodron, Bill Plotkin, Richard Louv, Jon Young, Thomas Berry, Wendell Berry, Joanna Macy, Marshall Rosenberg, Margaret Wheatley, Robert Gonzalez [...] Judith Lasater. Don't wait for stepping up into your greatest potential - this is your one beautiful amazing life and anything can be healed because we are Nature and Nature is in a perpetual state of wholing, and transforming. Yes we can!
this book was recommended by our councilor. I ordered 2 copies, and we each read in our own book several chapters. Then we would re-read together (one of us outloud) and comment when we reached pertinent information to us and descuss it together. We made great strides, and
really learned so much about our relationship that had gone unspoken for so long. This book
gives you the thoughts and language to understand all relationships if you are open to change.
I found it very useful and it helped me get through a tough time.
I now open it at any page quite regularly and always get something useful to use and think about throughout the day.
It is one of those books that could easily put a very positive change into your life. It did for me.
First, I'll comment on the seller, RRP Books, as I bought a used book. I found the seller's description of the book condition to be very accurate and would trust buying used books from them again. My book is in like new condition and was reasonably priced.
About David Richo... I see several people posted negative reviews and can't help but wonder if at least a few of them completely missed the mark of what the author is getting at in principle. This is not a save your relationship book at all... it is about using mindfulness to be a better partner in a relationship and also find more peace within yourself and your relationships with others... and one could extend these same principles to all interpersonal relationships, not just the romantic ones. I totally get and appreciate what the author is saying and find it immensely helpful. Also, I love that he's incorporating western psyche (Jung and others) and eastern mindfulness and detachment of ego. In essence we need to have a healthy Self and then let go of the egocentric part that sometimes induces fear-based and anxiety-driven thinking / action and impedes healthy relating and being. The author advocates loving through giving our partners (and I would say anybody we love) attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. This is a very healthy way of being, and by the way... if you are doing these things and are in a struggling relationship, you might be able to save it by becoming a better partner -that presupposes, of course, that the relationship is worth saving in that your partner is suitable and also willing to work on being a giving healthy partner who respects you. Equally, if you have to let go of a relationship, applying the principles and practices in this book could help you do so with less pain by realizing what is good and healthy for you and accepting yourself and your partner for who you are as individuals even if you can't make it together as a couple.
My own two cents... in my opinion, a lot of people in this world focus on giving their partner attention, appreciation, and affection early on in a relationship... but if these things dwindle later on they often give way to projected fears that the relationship has changed or one partner is not giving their all, or may be cheating, etc. etc. Really, though, how many people give their partner complete acceptance and allow them to be who they are as they are in the present moment without focusing too much on delving into the past or fearful projection about the future? Sometimes, though, a relationship isn't right for us. By practicing mindfulness we can see when a relationship is healthy, needs work, or needs to be let go of for our benefit. I think people who are happy are not only compatible (even if they are opposites they can be compatible as complements) but really accept their partners and support their partners healthy personal growth without trying to control or change them (or the relationship) into someone they really aren't or aren't meant to be. I think happy couples can also feel relaxed around each other, trust each other, nurture one another's talents and individual life passions, and give themselves and each other space to be who they are and change and grow without feeling threatened. Such feelings arise from our own insecurities. Anyway, I bought this book because I want to practice mindfulness and be a better person for myself and also for the people around me -not just romantic partners.
I digress; getting back to the author... I like David Richo's style, though the writing is more simple and not literary genius. It is also very, very repetitive, but I like that it is repetitive so the key points get driven into my brain. He also writes in a more loose style, which is very suitable for a book on mindfulness. Not everyone will appreciate that and some may prefer a more scholarly or western-style authoritative and linear approach. David Richo's style works for me, and I'll definitely buy other books of his. I am also interested in learning about mindful eating to develop a healthier relationship with food and be a physically healthier person. Healthy body, mind, soul... we are all constant works in progress.
It describes both psychological and spiritual aspects of oneself and of the relationships one has. This is the first time I have seen these two aspects combined. They really do go hand-in-hand and I feel this makes the book a very comprehensive guide on how to live your life and have very healthy and happy relationships with other human beings.
I wish I'd read this book 10 years ago, but perhaps then I would not have appreciated it so much. It is a great guide and a great comfort, I found. I could relate to it well and now I really understand how relationships are, for the first time in my life.
All in all it's a very grown up book for adults who are interested in relationships and who consider healthy relationships to be a very important part of life.
This book has helped me see my current relationship through a clearer lens, with stillness, openness and helped me with a breakthrough (rather than a 'breakup). Ahhhhhhh...... I highly recommend!
This book is absolutely wonderful and if you have ANY issues with holding a relationship or even a little confidence problem GET THIS BOOK!!!
I went in search of a book that would help me be an adult in my relationship. Almost laughingly, I sought something that would combine my Catholic faith, the tenets of Buddhism that I use in practice and my personal life, and the Jungian philosophies my partner and I both embrace and discuss endlessly. Never, in a thousand years, I thought, would I find a book that would fit all of those bills.
I was delighted to find that in David Richo's book, I found it all. And not just explanations - those I had in abundance - but practical ideas for how to move through and move past old and new hurts, how truly to GIVE in this relationship. My partner and I read from this book at least weekly, and the exercises within help us both think about what we do, why we do it, and how to do it differently.
Dr. Richo's style is positive, normalizing, free of jargon and babble, spiritual, and very, very helpful. THANK YOU, Dr. Richo, for writing this wonderful book. The others are on my shopping list.
I have studied zen buddhism off and on for years and many of the ideas found in that philosophy are encapsulated for a western audience in this book. Although I suggest mindfulness and/or meditation to certain clients, too, sometimes it's easier to read about it in a book like this than to take the leap and just arrive at a meditation center for the first time.
Of course I have some clients who probably wouldn't do well with a book like this and I wouldn't suggest it to them - either they just don't read much or at all, or it would be something to hit their partner over the head with. I once had a client who proclaimed during a couples session that his/her partner just wasn't providing the Five A's and that was why he/she needed to dump them, which was news to the partner! Since then, I've learned to suss out where a client's motivation might lie, because anything "good" can be mis-used and made "bad".
Overall, though, this is a book I definitely recommend and even buy for friends and loved ones. It's one of the best on relationships, for those who can keep the focus on themselves and be honest about their relationships.
I saw the reviews that criticized the book for being wordy and over the heads of regular people. Well, I guess people that need something super easy to read have a lot of other books out there that serve them. For me personally, this book gave a higher and more satisfying level of information than was available elsewhere. I found the writing to be quite simple and straightforward, and did not encounter a single word that I didn't know. The ideas that were presented within these simple words, however, were big. I did not encounter the usual frustration that I find with books that are so focused on faddish, simplistic theories that they just aren't helpful. Many books out there seem to frame everything through the lens of some specific trendy disorder, addiction, or whatever, failing to grasp the larger picture. This one is more universal in its appeal. I might have liked it even better if it were a little more challenging, but I see that you can't please everyone.
I'm a 62 years old widower looking for a partner to share love with. We are both reading this book and working on our relationship in light of the loving mindfullness perspective. I think it makes all the difference and therefore, have purchased about 10 copies for my kids and friends. Some people may think it redundant and dense but it makes perfect sense if you have been beat up by life and who hasn't. It may not meet all your needs but then, it could open you up to living an abundant joyfull life. Small price big rewards!
Pain need not be a deep dark hole. It can be a tunnel to a richer life. I very highly recommend this book to anyone serious about have an adult relationship.
Its tone is a bit crisper, cooler, and more analytical than most marriage guides. This is actually its strength, speaking to the analytical half of your relationship in a straight-forward way they will appreciate and understand even if they shy away from most relationship-help books as being too touchie-feelie. The message is the same as many guides, that validation (lingo for healthy supportive loving communication) is the key to a happy, intimate relationship-- and it is the key. This book helps approach that need from the angle of couples or individuals who have already been conflict-prone.
The book has open-ended exercises that are useful if a bit vague, precise examples, and very good flow from chapter to chapter, start to finish. Even the layout is accessible with short measured segments that allow the reader to pause and reflect frequently.
Pair this with
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
for a complete set of paperback marriage counseling: that book contains many accessible examples, detailed exercises, and 2-person activities to try with your partner. I highly recommend the combination of the two books.
Regardless, if you're the emotional half of your relationship, get High Conflict Couple for your emotionally-challenged partner. If you're the analytical half, the guide will speak to you right away, and you'll wonder why nobody ever explained it to you in such a direct easy to understand way.
Highly recommended whether you are in a happy relationship, a struggling one, or struggling to understand why a relationship failed.
You won't be disappointed in this book. I had to force myself to put it down and sleep. I read it in two days. I underlined SO many sections that applied to me. This book is a lifetime keeper!!! Get one for you or someone close to you if you feel they need to make some changes in the way they choose relationships in their lives. You (or them) will be happy you did!!!
One warning...It's very truthful. Sometimes when you hear something you dont like, it can have a profound effect. I cried reading this book several times because it talked about my life...my thought processes and my feelings when choosing and staying with a partner.