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When a relationship with a narcissist ends, the caretaking partner is often left confused, deeply hurt, and often still emotionally connected, while the narcissist seems to easily move on to the next relationship. Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship offers guidance about what to expect as the relationship unravels and how to cope with the fallout. It also helps the reader learn to truly disengage and move through the grief process.
Presenting techniques for healing and rebuilding self-esteem and self-confidence, this book offers a guide to developing emotional strength and encourages forgiveness and reconciliation with the past. It shows the reader how to increase emotional self-protections, quit caretaking in relationships, and become more independent and self-loving. Using real stories, Margalis Fjelstad offers a process of healing that can direct the reader away from former patterns of inequitable relationships and toward loving, caring connections that can truly grow healthfully and flourish. It shows that ending a relationship with a narcissist may be the best thing that ever happened.
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In my view, there are degrees to narcissism. This work is directed toward the extreme end of the spectrum and advises accordingly. I think this work offers a broader understanding of the issue than the title gives it credit. If you want to better understand narcissism as a whole (whether or not you are in a relationship with one), this book is a good resource.
The only thing I don't like about this book, and most other 'self help' books is it is targeted at men being the 'wrong doer'. So as a male it can throw me off the reading a bit as all of the terms and statements against the narcissist use a masculine term.
Margalis wrote this book in 2017, right after retiring after 30 years of being a clinical therapist. She shares how her mother qualified for a borderline personality disorder, which has dysfunctional similarities with narcissism. So she speaks from personal experience, clinical experience, and proper education. The reader benefits from this book from a professional publisher (these qualities make for good use of your time, money, and energy).
This book is excellent in focusing on helping you leave the caretaking relationship, heal after the crash, become empowered, and then transform your life. If you want another book on narcissism, I suggest:
---- The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the patterns and learning to break free. Julie Hall (2019) $15 (Includes 3-pages specifically on parental alienation, but you buy it to learn how your ex thinks!)
If you are a parent, you'll also want her newest book, "Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent." by Margalis Fjelstad and Jean McBride (2020) $18. And you will also need a book on "Parental Alienation" (which is when the other parent undermines your parenting and indoctrinates your children to reject you). Good "starter" books for that include:
---- Divorce Poison: Protecting the parent/Child bond from a vindictive ex. (2009). Richard Warshak, Ph.D. $10
---- Don't Alienate the Kids! Raising resilient children while avoiding high conflict divorce. Bill Eddy JD, LCSW (2nd edition 2020) $18
---- Splitting: Protecting yourself while divorcing someone with a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. Kreger, Eddy (2011) $16
---- BIFF for Co-Parent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts by Bill Eddy, Annette Burns, Kevin Chafin (2020) $13
---- The high-conflict custody battle: Protect yourself and your kids from a toxic divorce, false accusations, and parental alienation. Amy J. L. Baker, Ph.D., Bone, Ph.D., Attorney Ludmer (2014) $14
Very interesting and really broke things down for me to understand. Really helped me get over a bump from a toxic relationship. My friend went through something similar and also got this book and liked it. Helps to understand their way of thinking and why you let yourself go through what you went through.
I would recommend this book to anyone,not just people with dysfunctional relationships.
My hopes it will change many lives.
This book showed me a path and provided guidance on the steps I needed to take to move on, heal, and let go. After reading this, I cut off contact with this toxic person and haven't looked back.
person who is doing the care taking.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life
that I wanted to read this second book as well. Dr. Fjelstad outlines a process to help caretakers change their lives for the better. She has done an excellent job of dividing the 18 chapters into 5 sections from definitions of the narcissist and caretaker, to dealing with the end of the relationship, healing, empowerment, and then transforming your life. I found the "tasks" and reflection questions very helpful. A really powerful task was creating my Circle of Loving Support (found in Chapter 18: Living Your Intention). This diagram is a series of 6 concentric circles with your name in the middle of it. In the circle around your name you write the names of the closest and dearest people in your life. Next circle holds the names of friends, acquaintances, and others. In the last circle is your Code of Well-Being. This visual is a great reminder that I am not alone and there are many people (and organizations) who care about me. I have read this book 3 times and have highlighted key phrases throughout. I've placed a box around the Problem Solving Technique, Narcissism Cues, and Red Flags. There is so much to understanding why one is a caretaker and how to heal when one ends a relationship with a narcissist. I have read many books on narcissism, but Margalis Fjelstad's books are stellar. It is almost like she has been following me around and taking notes. Now, I understand how I came to be a caretaker and how to heal and develop future healthy relationships that are built on the partnership model. I am now feeling optimistic about my future.